Genesis 2


1 Thus Turkey and Calradia were completed in all their vast array.
2 By the seventh day Armagan had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work, and lounged in his voluptuous office chair in his trendy pyjamas.


3 And Armagan blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. Then the animals demanded a bugfix, complaining that he had rushed the release. Bugfix after bugfix was Uploaded, but each time was found wanting by the fickle animals, so that it took a further eight days to finish what should have been a simple release.

4 This is the account of Turkey and Calradia when they were created.
When the Lord Armagan made the earth and the heavens. 5 No shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the Lord Armagan had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground, 6 but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. 7 The Lord Armagan modelled the man in 3DS Max, and wrote the code, and he was spawned.

8 Now the Lord Armagan had planted a website in the east, in TaleWorlds; and there he put the man he had modelled. 9 And the Lord Armagan made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the website were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, otherwise known as Download and Buy.
10 A river watering the garden flowed from Curaw (It has since overflowed and frozen, creating the ice plains in Vaegir lands); from there it was separated into four headwaters. 11 The name of the first is the Poisson; it winds through the entire land of Vaegir, where there are large numbers of people in debt. 12 (The gold of that land is now in various Swiss bank accounts; aromatic resin and onyx are also there, it’s just that no-one’s found the bloody things, else the economic situation wouldn’t be quite so dire.) 13 The name of the second river is the Getyourkiton; it winds through the entire land of Cosh. 14 The name of the third river is the Tigger; it runs along the west side of da ghetto. And the fourth river is that one next to Zendar.
15 The Lord Armagan took the man and put him in the Forums of TaleWorlds to work them and take care of them. 16 And the Lord Armagan commanded the man, "You are free to change the game files; 17 but you must not crack the game's executable, for if you do you will be banned. I know that’s a contradiction, but all will be made clear in later versions, when I add a storyline. By the way, Ipek, this guy’s hideous. I’ll have to hire some graphic artists to spiff him up a little bit."

18 The Lady Ipek said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. His right hand will become unmatched with his left. I will model a helper suitable for him."
19 Now the Lord Armagan had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air, but he still didn’t update with the birds. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. The names for the birds were understandably somewhat iffy, as he couldn’t see what he was naming. It seems to be an unfortunate side effect of non-existence.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lady Ipek caused the man to fall into a deep sleep by soundly pimp-slapping him right in the face; and while he was pretty much comatose, she took a bone saw and tea-leafed one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh – an expert surgeon, Ipek is. 22 Then the Lord Armagan made a woman from the rib Ipek had nicked out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man.
But couldn’t you have been gentler
about removing my rib? This really hurts!"

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Or not, depending on just how close they feel at the time.
25 The man and his wife were both in underwear unusually forward-thinking for the time period, and they felt no shame, despite the beasts of the field calling the woman a shameless hussy for wearing such skimpy clothing. She said to them, "Yea, and truly I'd whup your ass if I wasn't so damn cold."


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