Genesis 3


The Fall of Man

1 Now Juno was more of an arse than all of the other forumites the Lord Armagan had made. He said to the others, "Did Armagan really say, 'You must not crack Mount & Blade'?"
2 The forumites said to Juno, "We may play the game to the point of exhaustion, never stopping for material concerns such as urination, 3 but Armagan did say, 'You must not crack open the exe, and you must not touch it other than to load the game, or you will be banned.' "
4 "You will not surely be banned," Juno said to one forumite. 5 "For Armagan knows that when you crack it, it will be free, and you will be like Armagan, knowing the inner secrets of the game engine."
6 When the forumites saw that the exe was good for gaming and was pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining various repetitive strain injuries, one of them took her mouse and keyboard and cracked it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he cracked it too, the greedy bugger. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were pretty much naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves, lest the admins shout “Oi! Read the rules! No posting porn!” and reach for their banhammers.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord Armagan as he was returning to his office in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord Armagan among the topics of Fun Stuff. 9 But the Lord Armagan called to the man, "Where are you?"
10 He answered, "I heard you in the office, and I was afraid because I am a dirty thief; so I hid."
11 And he said, "Who told you that you were a dirty thief? Have you cracked the game that I commanded you not to crack?"
12 The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she cracked it, not me! Honestly, I had nothing to do with it! It’s all her fault; she made me take the keygen! She had a knife; there wasn’t anything I could do!"
13 Then the Lord Armagan said to the man, "Oh, shut up, you scrawny little tosspot. Cease thy blubbering before I really go Biblical on your sorry arse!"
The woman interjected, saying, "That forumite deceived me, and I cracked the game."
14 So the Lord Armagan said to the forumite, "Because you have done this,
"Banned are you from these forums
and I’ll be sending my lawyer!
You will crawl on your belly up the steps to the court,
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and women,
and they will always spurn you for less geeky men."
16 To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
You’ll also get really bad stretchmarks.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you, because he’s into that kind of kinky stuff."

17 To the man he said, "Because you listened to your wife instead of ignoring her the instant she started spouting nonsense, letting her run all over you instead of doing the housework, cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Yes, I really mean you will eat of the earth. I hope you like the taste of mud.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles just for you, and you will eat the plants of the field, when you’ve had enough mud.
19 By the sweat of your arsecrack
you will eat your food
until I take pity on you and smite you,
since from meaningless detritus you were taken;
for shite you are
and to shite you will return."
20 George named his wife Tony, because she would become the mother of all the living (and the dead, once George had killed the living).

21 The Lord Armagan made garments of chainmail and plate metal for George and his wife and armoured them. 22 And the Lord Armagan said, "The man has now become like a goddamned chimpanzee, knowing how to peel a banana in less than a second. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, because he’ll invade the tree if he thinks it’s worth anything, and he definitely mustn’t live forever, else he’ll totally ruin my creation." 23 So the Lord Armagan banned him from the Forums of TaleWorlds to work in the office of President of the United States of America. 24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Forums of TaleWorlds cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life. Then he reconsidered, realising that cherubim aren’t exactly musclemen, and put two of his admins there instead, wielding banhammers. But he left the snazzy sword. It was a great way to showcase his cool new particle effects.


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