Genesis 4


Calandale and okiN


1 George lay with his wife Tony, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Calandale. She said, "With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a hobo masturbating outside Starbucks." 2 Later she gave birth to his brother okiN.
Now okiN kept Lost-Lamb happy, and Calandale worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Calandale brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 But okiN brought fat portions from when Lost-Lamb went skinny. The Lord looked with favor on okiN and his offering, 5 but on Calandale and his offering he did not look with favor. So Calandale was very angry, and his face was downcast.
6 Then the Lord said to Calandale, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, Juno is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."
8 Now Calandale said to his brother okiN, "Let's go out to Fun Stuff." And while they were in Fun Stuff, Calandale attacked his brother okiN and killed him.
9 Then the Lord said to Calandale, "Where is your brother okiN?"
"I don't know," he replied. "Do I have a custom tag? No. Am I special? No. So why are you asking me?"
10 The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth." Prophetic words there from Armagan.
13 Calandale said to the Lord, "My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."
15 But the Lord said to him, "Not so; if anyone kills Calandale, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." However, when asked how someone can be killed seven times, he refused to elaborate. Then the Lord retextured Calandale so that no one who found him would kill him. The mark was in big red letters on his bare back and read “God woz ‘ere”. 16 So Calandale went out from the Lord's presence and lived in the land of EA, east of TaleWorlds.
17 Calandale lay with his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Eogan. Calandale was then building a city, and he named it after his son Eogan. 18 To Eogan was born Irad (Not to be confused with Iraq or Iran), and Irad was the father of manslayer, and manslayer was the father of Maw, and Maw was the father of Leodan Flamelock. However, Maw never knew his father. For many years he languished, at the same time wondering who exactly was the mother of all these forumites, until at last the Lord Armagan told him to guess who it was. Maw replied, “Anyone but manslayer!”
19 Leodan married two women, one named Amman d’Stazia and the other Pharoah Llandy. 20 Amman gave birth to jlgx50; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 21 His brother's name was Jaghatai; he was the father of all who watch anime and slaver ravenously. 22 Llandy also had a son, Temujin-Calandale, who forged all kinds of tools out of whatever he could find on the streets, and rode horses for fun. Temujin-Calandale's brother was Nahkuri, who became known to many as frozen hillbilly Eurotrash. It was a friendly name at first, but over the years was twisted into an insult, making Nahkuri resent the others and post man-whore-a-like pictures for them. At last, he was asked “RU gay lolol!!!1one!11! ??” by a newblet, to who he replied “You talkin' to me?” and proceeded to beat seven bells out of the poor defenceless noob.
23 Nahkuri said to his bitches,
"Oi! You two! Wenches, listen to me;
women pimped of Nahkuri, hear my words.
I have killed a man for pissing me off,
a young man for injuring me. He came at me with a drawing pin and I was forced to defend myself, unfortunately resulting in his death by various unpleasant implements.” Armagan came down to ascertain the cause of these unpleasantnesses, and was told by a repentant Nahkuri, “My Lord, I have Juno-ed. I assraped him with a tyre iron.”
24 If Calandale is avenged seven times,
then Nahkuri seventy-seven times."
25 George lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seff, saying, "God has granted me another child in place of okiN, since Calandale killed him." 26 Seff also had a son, and he named him Enough.
At that time men began to call on the name of the Lord, saying “When will the next update be out, O Armagan? It’s been two chapters of Genesis!”


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