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Important folk

Leprous_Leprechaun — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:23:43 CDT

The Holy Trinity

Armağan is the creator of everything Mount&Bladeish. He is the son of a cataclysmic Singularity collapse in the Horsehead nebula. He has a ˇ above the g because he has.

İpek is the wife of Armagan, and thus must be worshipped accordingly. She has a floaty dot above the I, symbolising humanity; she is the goddess of our human selves.

Borcha, sorry, Bora, is The Son of the Almighty Ones.

The Administrators of Destruction

Pavlov was one of the Elders, before he was shut away in Fire and Shadow for eternity. It is written that in the End Times, he will return to Taleworlds, and purge the Forum of noobs, haxx0rs, trolls and the 34th incarnation of Volke.

The Lost Lamb is a lamb that managed to get lost, much akin to Smudge. He wields a mighty hammer that renders the victim incapable of anything but expressing their love for male body parts.

Archonsod is The Wise One. He knows everything about everything, is the Keeper of Knowledge, and can debate with furious intensity. Anyone attempting to contradict his Word are turned into hollow shells of people.

Narcissus is the Antimagan. He worked hard to destroy the religion, but in the end, his fear of the wrath of the True Believers sent him scurrying away to his sexy wife. He hasn't been heard from since.

Merentha is the Grumpy Old Man of the forums. He appears now and then, most often to insult the wrongdoers with a scathing, but witty remark, often questioning their intelligence.

Assorted Weirdos

Gigapope Leprous Leprechaun is one of the founders of our religion. He often wears Skyburner, The Lilac Shirt of Eternity +3.

St. Archscribe Cymro XII wrote lots of things, like this. Disagreeing with his teachings often resulted in an arrow through the chest, shot by Windblade, the Mongolian Horsebow of Death +4. He will be remembered.

James Worldcrafter makes things, then writes about them on an imaginary plane in space. It is rumoured that he can make a full suit of plate armour from nothing more than a matchbox and a half eaten packet of wine gums.

Baronduke Alex of Flerg believes that Taleworldsism is the one way, the true way. He smites the unbelievers with Razortongue, the Sentient Clock Sword +6. One of the few Believers to be afflicted with Freemanic Paracusia.

Admins 1

Leprous_Leprechaun — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 05:06:13 CST

In the olden times, Archonsod did reside upon a hill.
From there he could see technical problems and controversial topics.
Three forumites did advance to his mound, and asked him questions in turn:
"Lord Archon!", said the first, "What is the meaning of life?"
And the Archon said " "
"Lord Archon!" asked the next, "Why do you laugh at our questions?"
And the Archon said " "
"Lord Archon!" cried the last, "I have a problem with my graphics drivers!"
And the Archon said "Type cd C:\ (enter) del *.* into a command prompt."
And they all left in tears.

Chapter 3

Leprous_Leprechaun — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 05:04:56 CST

"Chocolate biscuits," quoth the Lord, "are a fine thing."
The forumites agreed. "They are indeed so excellent and fine!"
"Chocolate digestives!" Said one, "No! Chocolate hobnobs!" said another. It was clear The A had created quite the predicament.
"Æ! We shall have a battle of the biscuits to see which is best" said He.
For forty days and forty nights, these valiant biscuits battled and fought to find a victor.
It turned out in the end that bourbon creams were the best.
"They survive the incredible heat of Megaturkey"
"They rarely go soggy - if they do, you can still enjoy the cream"
"They are strong, valiant, and mighty - they are Bourbon creams!"
And so, bourbon cream were the victor for infinity.
"Grmph blumph nom nom nom gnyum!" said Armagan, due to his eating of the Biscuit.
He then licked his lips and fingers, and the crumbs off the table,
And said "Do your duty and eat Bourbon Creams!"
Then the political correctness man came along, whispered,
And Armağan said "Other chocolate biscuits are also fine!"

Threads

Cymro — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:39:27 CST

Threads are the string and glue that hold Taleworldsism together. Without them, there would be nothing.

Chapter 1

Threads 1

Cymro — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:39:11 CST

"Who are these banned people?" enquired a curious forumite.
"They are banned for travesties unspeakable!" replied the administrators.
And so the thread should have died.
"I think this forumite should be banned!" said another. What was this!?
It was discussion in this thread for banned people. The admins did not like it so.
"Lo," said Janus, "You will not post again in this thread lest there is a banned person."
But the forumites ignored him, and the flames of hell did boil.
And froth and breathe and writhe and bubble.
Merentha the Mighty did rise unto the forum.
"YOU. WILL. NOT. POST. UNLESS. THERE. IS. A. BANNED. PERSON!" he shouted.
And so the thread did descend into darkness and obscurity. But then...
(now read the chapter again. And again. And so on, until the forum ends)

The Book of Admins

Cymro — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:38:48 CST

Æ! Here we have the stories of our founding fathers, the Great Circle of Administrators.

Chapter 1

Chapter 4

Cymro — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:18:12 CST

It is written that Pavlov would return in the end days, and it was believed to be true.
One day a forumite did read from the Book of Shadows when armağan was not looking.
"Ara! Medoth! Karanmath Zû!
Elen, olh radha, and zippidy doo!"
Yet nothing did happen.
The ircites were plagued with a repeated troubling vision:
[2008-11-10 20:40:56] -->| GEPavlov has joined #Mount&Blade
"What have you done!?" blared Armağan, "Are you not aware of his deeds?"
"Yes, " said the forumites, "Yes, that's why we want him!"
"Fair enough." quoth the lord.
And in due time, Pavlov became a member of the community again.
Silence. Utter silence.
"BUT THE PROPHECY SAID..." cried everyone in chorus.
They say a wanderer is passing through these lands. A dark disease follows in his wake.
They say he's a fallen angel.
We know him as The Völker.

Æ

Cymro — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 10:36:18 CDT

Æ is a symbol of Taleworldsism, because it is. It can't not be a symbol, because this wiki says so. Even if it did say here that it wasn't a symbol, it still would be, because there's a page about it, so it is. If this has confused you, then look at the Æ.

It is two letters, joined by the mighty Armagan in The Latter Days. This happens in Appendix 2. He did, of course, say it in Megaturkish, which only He, Ipek, and the Archangel Maelstrom can understand.

Algebra using Æ (a.k.a. Ælgebra) is complex, moreso than trying to tie your shoes whilst singing the macarena on a tightrope and eating a bourbon cream. Here are some examples:

Æ + Æ = Æx10 (not 3Æ, you fool), Æx10 + Æ = Æx10^2 (and so on)
Æ - Æ = æ
æ - æ = impossible (because there is no plausible reason to ever do this)
Æ * Æ = Æ!, Æ! * Æ = Æ!! (and so on)
Æ / Æ = 4 (you would have though that this would make Æ be 16, but Ælgebra doesn't work that way)

Chapter 2

Cymro — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:55:40 CDT

"I am bored with these A's! I am fed up with these E's! They would look much better conjoined!" quoth the Lord.
And shazam, it was so.
With a poom! And a crack! These two ridiculously tedious letters became one.
"What should I call it?" Said he. At this point, the Lord became distraced by a petty Forumite's request
"Give us multiplayer, or we will not like you anymore!"
"Ridiculous," came the reply, "I have stated the reasons multiple times. The World is too complex to add multiplayer at this point."
Lo, The Lost Lamb came, with his mighty banhammer, and made the forumite "Aah!" in pain.
"Thus, I shall call the letter 'Aah', in defiance of this Forumite"
"Those who dare to call it Ai will be punished by being forced to deliver messages to lords for the rest of their days."
At this point, the Good Lord decided to have a Bourbon Cream, which The Fridge had kept cool for him.

Æ!

The Appendix

James_Skully — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:29:21 CDT

The Appendix contains everything that happened after everything else (or isn't in the Bible to satirise - Ed). The mighty story of Æ is in it, too.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Cymro — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 03:32:05 CDT

Here is the story of the IRC.
In the Early Days of Taleworlds, a Forumite by the name of Okin did so stand upon a podium
"Hear me, Forumites! For I have this IRC channel here, that you should join"
Several decided to go, and remain there to this day.
But some were disgusted by it: "What is this filth? Speak of rapage? Nazis? Worlds other than M&B?
I shall have none of this! I think I will get these people banned by The Lord!"
But The IRC was separate from the rest of the universe. "Alas," said the Good Lord,
"I have no control over these vile creations. But, if you want, you can try and convert them to the True Word."
And so the Forumite went forth.

<crusader> Stop this filth!
<Lost-Lamb> No
i|ex rapes crusader in the ear
<crusader> I will have none of this, you vile fools!
<Raz|> Ursca, Cymro, Tostig^afk, new Dwarf Fortress is out :O
<Cymro> Just as I was starting a new fortress :(
<Ursca> Good game, that.
<crusader> Ridiculous! Mount&Blade is the only game!
<i|ex> SIEG
<Seff|> GEIL
<crusader> Begone, Nazis!
<Jace> Vittujen kevät, crusader!
<i|ex> :D
<i|ex> Äitisi nai poroja
<crusader> Language other than English or Megaturkish!? What is this blasphemy!?
<i|ex> crusader on ruskan reiän ritari
<crusader> D:
=-= Mode #mount&blade +b *!*Crusader@*.dsl.fishywish.com by Lost-Lamb
=-= crusader was booted from #Mount&Blade by Lost-Lamb ( >:( )

10. And yea, the crusader was booted back to Taleworlds. He was so shellshocked by the happenings on this demonic channel, he could never venture onto the internet again.
11. Armagan said "All ye who are strong of heart, may you venture to irc://quakenet/Mount%26Blade. To all those offended by such hilarities... well, go back to Gaia"
12. Seeing as how Gaia online didn't exist back then, everyone got confused.

Prayers

AlexBakke — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 07:24:38 CDT

Our Father, who art in trendy pyjamas, hallowed be thy game. Thy World Fame as the greatest programmer ever come, thy programming be bug-free, on Earth as it is in Turkey. Give us this month our several-monthly update, and forgive us our bannable offences, as we ban those who commit bannable offences among us. And lead us not to RTS, but deliver us from EA Games, for thine is the swanky new office, the forum and the copyright, until such a time as it expires. BOOORCHAAA!!!!.

Æ, it is written that the 1.00 shall be delivered upon us in the coming months,
Æ, it isn't written that the multiplayer cometh, so thus we stop our requestings,
Æ, no spammers, nor banners, nor idiots shall vex you,
Æ, we bow down to You and Your trendy silk pyjamas.
Æ, indeed. Give to us this daily Blood, from some hapless peasant wandering across the plains of Heaven,
Æmen.

readme.text

Leprous_Leprechaun — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 11:59:30 CDT

This is the Holy Book of Taleworldsism, which depicts the epic tale of how Mount & Blade was Created, Uploaded and Bug Fixed, by the Gods who art in Turkey.

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Home

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 15:36:29 CDT

The greater religion of Taleworldsism welcomes you to readme.txt, the holiest of all possible holy books, singing the exhultations of the best of all possible games. Welcome, young Apostles, to the Pool of Baptism.

This website is a shrine to the Holy Ones Armagan and Ipek. It will be respected or we'll tell your neighbours you interfere with animals.

Genesis 5

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 06:19:37 CDT

Genesis 5

From George to Yoshiboy

1 This is the written account of George’s line.
When Armagan modelled man, he made him in the likeness of Armagan. 2 He modelled them male and female and blessed them. And when they were created, he called them "man"; how inventive.

3 When George had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seff. 4 After Seff was born, George lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. 5 Altogether, George lived 930 years, and then he died. This was met by a massed sigh of relief from the forumites, who had been brought to the brink of destruction not once, not twice, but thrice (God, I love that word) by the madman.

6 When Seff had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enough. 7 And after he became the father of Enough, Seff lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. Lots of them. And I mean Lots and Lots. 8 Altogether, Seff lived 912 years, and then he died, becoming tangled in a bra strap he was biting through and suffocating. Randy to the end, was old Seff.

9 When Enough had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kastor. 10 And after he became the father of Kastor, Enough lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters. 11 Altogether, Enough lived 905 years, and then he died. Just died, nothing special. He’d just had enough.

12 When Kastor had lived 70 years, he became the father of Mage246. 13 And after he became the father of Mage246, Kastor lived 840 years and had other sons and daughters. 14 Altogether, Kastor lived 910 years, and then he died in a horrendous sexual accident whilst making wank material for Pavlov. It was left with him in his grave for when Pavlov actually existed.

15 When Mage246 had lived 65 years, he became the father of Jarhead. 16 And after he became the father of Jarhead, Mage246 lived 830 years and had other sons and daughters. 17 Altogether, Mage246 lived 895 years, and then he died.

18 When Jarhead had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enough Really Is Enough. 19 And after he became the father of Enough Really Is Enough, Jarhead lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. 20 Altogether, Jarhead lived 962 years, and then he died during archery practice, when he was killed by a wild Borcha, who shot him in the back.

21 When Enough Really Is Enough had lived 65 years, he became the father of Manitas. 22 And after he became the father of Manitas, Enough Really Is Enough walked with Armagan 300 years and got really bad calluses on his feet because he forgot to put on his hiking boots and had to wear sandals the whole way. 23 Altogether, Enough Really Is Enough lived 365 years. 24 Enough Really Is Enough walked with Armagan; then he was no more, because Armagan took him away. He decided that Enough Really Is Enough didn’t fit his vision of the game in the future, so he was removed from the game files in the next version.

25 When Manitas had lived 187 years, he became the father of bryce777. 26 And after he became the father of bryce777, Manitas lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters. 27 Altogether, Manitas lived 969 years, and then he died. They had really long lives in the times when the code was pure.

28 When bryce777 had lived 182 years, he had a son. 29 He named him Yoshiboy and said, "He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the Lord has cursed." Meaning, it’s getting bloody hard to mod these days. 30 After Yoshiboy was born, bryce777 lived 595 years and had other sons and daughters. 31 Altogether, bryce777 lived 777 years, and then he died. Prophetic name, eh?

32 After Yoshiboy was 500 years old, he became the father of Wham, Bam and Thankyoumam.

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Genesis 3

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 06:17:12 CDT

Genesis 3

The Fall of Man

1 Now Juno was more of an arse than all of the other forumites the Lord Armagan had made. He said to the others, "Did Armagan really say, 'You must not crack Mount & Blade'?"
2 The forumites said to Juno, "We may play the game to the point of exhaustion, never stopping for material concerns such as urination, 3 but Armagan did say, 'You must not crack open the exe, and you must not touch it other than to load the game, or you will be banned.' "
4 "You will not surely be banned," Juno said to one forumite. 5 "For Armagan knows that when you crack it, it will be free, and you will be like Armagan, knowing the inner secrets of the game engine."
6 When the forumites saw that the exe was good for gaming and was pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining various repetitive strain injuries, one of them took her mouse and keyboard and cracked it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he cracked it too, the greedy bugger. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were pretty much naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves, lest the admins shout “Oi! Read the rules! No posting porn!” and reach for their banhammers.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord Armagan as he was returning to his office in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord Armagan among the topics of Fun Stuff. 9 But the Lord Armagan called to the man, "Where are you?"
10 He answered, "I heard you in the office, and I was afraid because I am a dirty thief; so I hid."
11 And he said, "Who told you that you were a dirty thief? Have you cracked the game that I commanded you not to crack?"
12 The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she cracked it, not me! Honestly, I had nothing to do with it! It’s all her fault; she made me take the keygen! She had a knife; there wasn’t anything I could do!"
13 Then the Lord Armagan said to the man, "Oh, shut up, you scrawny little tosspot. Cease thy blubbering before I really go Biblical on your sorry arse!"
The woman interjected, saying, "That forumite deceived me, and I cracked the game."
14 So the Lord Armagan said to the forumite, "Because you have done this,
"Banned are you from these forums
and I’ll be sending my lawyer!
You will crawl on your belly up the steps to the court,
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and women,
and they will always spurn you for less geeky men."
16 To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
You’ll also get really bad stretchmarks.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you, because he’s into that kind of kinky stuff."

17 To the man he said, "Because you listened to your wife instead of ignoring her the instant she started spouting nonsense, letting her run all over you instead of doing the housework, cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Yes, I really mean you will eat of the earth. I hope you like the taste of mud.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles just for you, and you will eat the plants of the field, when you’ve had enough mud.
19 By the sweat of your arsecrack
you will eat your food
until I take pity on you and smite you,
since from meaningless detritus you were taken;
for shite you are
and to shite you will return."
20 George named his wife Tony, because she would become the mother of all the living (and the dead, once George had killed the living).

21 The Lord Armagan made garments of chainmail and plate metal for George and his wife and armoured them. 22 And the Lord Armagan said, "The man has now become like a goddamned chimpanzee, knowing how to peel a banana in less than a second. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, because he’ll invade the tree if he thinks it’s worth anything, and he definitely mustn’t live forever, else he’ll totally ruin my creation." 23 So the Lord Armagan banned him from the Forums of TaleWorlds to work in the office of President of the United States of America. 24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Forums of TaleWorlds cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life. Then he reconsidered, realising that cherubim aren’t exactly musclemen, and put two of his admins there instead, wielding banhammers. But he left the snazzy sword. It was a great way to showcase his cool new particle effects.

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Genesis 2

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 06:16:35 CDT

Genesis 2

1 Thus Turkey and Calradia were completed in all their vast array.
2 By the seventh day Armagan had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work, and lounged in his voluptuous office chair in his trendy pyjamas.

3 And Armagan blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. Then the animals demanded a bugfix, complaining that he had rushed the release. Bugfix after bugfix was Uploaded, but each time was found wanting by the fickle animals, so that it took a further eight days to finish what should have been a simple release.

4 This is the account of Turkey and Calradia when they were created.
When the Lord Armagan made the earth and the heavens. 5 No shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the Lord Armagan had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground, 6 but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. 7 The Lord Armagan modelled the man in 3DS Max, and wrote the code, and he was spawned.

8 Now the Lord Armagan had planted a website in the east, in TaleWorlds; and there he put the man he had modelled. 9 And the Lord Armagan made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the website were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, otherwise known as Download and Buy.
10 A river watering the garden flowed from Curaw (It has since overflowed and frozen, creating the ice plains in Vaegir lands); from there it was separated into four headwaters. 11 The name of the first is the Poisson; it winds through the entire land of Vaegir, where there are large numbers of people in debt. 12 (The gold of that land is now in various Swiss bank accounts; aromatic resin and onyx are also there, it’s just that no-one’s found the bloody things, else the economic situation wouldn’t be quite so dire.) 13 The name of the second river is the Getyourkiton; it winds through the entire land of Cosh. 14 The name of the third river is the Tigger; it runs along the west side of da ghetto. And the fourth river is that one next to Zendar.
15 The Lord Armagan took the man and put him in the Forums of TaleWorlds to work them and take care of them. 16 And the Lord Armagan commanded the man, "You are free to change the game files; 17 but you must not crack the game's executable, for if you do you will be banned. I know that’s a contradiction, but all will be made clear in later versions, when I add a storyline. By the way, Ipek, this guy’s hideous. I’ll have to hire some graphic artists to spiff him up a little bit."

18 The Lady Ipek said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. His right hand will become unmatched with his left. I will model a helper suitable for him."
19 Now the Lord Armagan had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air, but he still didn’t update with the birds. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. The names for the birds were understandably somewhat iffy, as he couldn’t see what he was naming. It seems to be an unfortunate side effect of non-existence.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lady Ipek caused the man to fall into a deep sleep by soundly pimp-slapping him right in the face; and while he was pretty much comatose, she took a bone saw and tea-leafed one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh – an expert surgeon, Ipek is. 22 Then the Lord Armagan made a woman from the rib Ipek had nicked out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man.
But couldn’t you have been gentler
about removing my rib? This really hurts!"

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Or not, depending on just how close they feel at the time.
25 The man and his wife were both in underwear unusually forward-thinking for the time period, and they felt no shame, despite the beasts of the field calling the woman a shameless hussy for wearing such skimpy clothing. She said to them, "Yea, and truly I'd whup your ass if I wasn't so damn cold."

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The Book of Genesis

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 06:15:42 CDT

Genesis 1

The Beginning

1 In the beginning Armagan created Turkey and Calradia.
2 Now Calradia was formless and empty, Swadians were over the surface of the deep, and the two Creators were hovering above the waters in Edit Mode.
3 And Armagan said, "Let there be Vaegir," and there was Vaegir. 4 Armagan saw that Vaegir was good, and He separated the Vaegirs from the Swadians. 5 Armagan called the Vaegirs "Vaegirs," and the Swadians he called "Swadians." And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the first day.

6 And Armagan said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So Armagan made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 Armagan called the expanse "sky." And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the second day.

9 And Armagan said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 Armagan called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And Armagan saw that it was good.
11 Then Armagan said, "Let the land spawn parties from predesignated points: seed-bearing goods caravans and manhunters on the land that carry slaves with various blunt force trauma wounds on them, according to their various factions." And it was so. 12 The land produced towns: towns bearing products according to their factions and towns bearing soldiers with varying weapons in their hands according to their factions. And Armagan saw that it was good. 13 And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the third day.

14 And Armagan said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 Armagan made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 Armagan set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And Armagan saw that it was good, but there was something missing. Then, He had it. Reflective water! Armagan released a hurried update, and the water henceforth began to reflect those lights that Armagan had affixed in the firmaments. 19 And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the fourth day.

20 And Armagan said, "Let the water teem with those blasted river pirates, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So Armagan created those blasted pirates of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, but left the birds for a future update when he could be arsed. And Armagan saw that it was good. 22 Armagan blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds wait on my Hard Drive for a while." 23 And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the fifth day.

24 And Armagan said, "Let the land produce both living and undead creatures according to their kinds: caravans, war parties that move along the ground, as opposed to… umm… err… the waters, and bandits, each according to its faction." And it was so. 25 Armagan made the bandits according to their factions, the caravans according to their factions, and all the war parties that move along the ground according to their factions. And Armagan saw that it was good.
26 Then Armagan said, "Let us make man in our image, in 3ds Max, and let them rule over the river pirates of the sea and the birds of the air (assuming I eventually implement them), over the caravans, over all the earth, and over all the war parties (according to their factions, of course)."
27 So Armagan created man in 3ds Max,
in the image of Armagan he created him;
male and female he created them.
28 Armagan blessed them and said to them, "Be horny little buggers and increase in number; fill the earth and subsequently ruin the bloody thing – go on, we all know you’ll do it eventually, we might as well get it over and done with. Rule over the pirates of the sea and the birds of the air (assuming I can be bothered to implement them) and over every war party that moves on the ground, not that they’d be able to move anywhere else with all that armour on. Swimming? Forget about it. Flying? No bloody chance........
According to their various factions."
29 Then Armagan said, "I give you every seed-bearing goods caravan on the face of the whole earth (assuming you get there before the bandits do) and every manhunter that has slaves with blunt force trauma with it. They will be yours for food. Not the manhunters, obviously. You can just use the slaves for pointless menial labour at the Salt Mines. 30 And to all the bandits and all the potential birds of the air and all the war parties that move on the ground — everything that has the breath of life in it — I give every green plant for food." And it was so. To the zombies he said, “It’s pointless giving you every green plant. You only eat people anyway and I’m removing you in a later update in any case.”

31 Armagan saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Indeed, many respected reviewers gave it a very complimentary preview, even PC Gamer. And there was Zendar, and there was Dhorak Keep — the sixth day.

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Genesis 4

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 05:17:58 CDT

Genesis 4

Calandale and okiN

1 George lay with his wife Tony, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Calandale. She said, "With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a hobo masturbating outside Starbucks." 2 Later she gave birth to his brother okiN.
Now okiN kept Lost-Lamb happy, and Calandale worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Calandale brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 But okiN brought fat portions from when Lost-Lamb went skinny. The Lord looked with favor on okiN and his offering, 5 but on Calandale and his offering he did not look with favor. So Calandale was very angry, and his face was downcast.
6 Then the Lord said to Calandale, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, Juno is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."
8 Now Calandale said to his brother okiN, "Let's go out to Fun Stuff." And while they were in Fun Stuff, Calandale attacked his brother okiN and killed him.
9 Then the Lord said to Calandale, "Where is your brother okiN?"
"I don't know," he replied. "Do I have a custom tag? No. Am I special? No. So why are you asking me?"
10 The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth." Prophetic words there from Armagan.
13 Calandale said to the Lord, "My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."
15 But the Lord said to him, "Not so; if anyone kills Calandale, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." However, when asked how someone can be killed seven times, he refused to elaborate. Then the Lord retextured Calandale so that no one who found him would kill him. The mark was in big red letters on his bare back and read “God woz ‘ere”. 16 So Calandale went out from the Lord's presence and lived in the land of EA, east of TaleWorlds.
17 Calandale lay with his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Eogan. Calandale was then building a city, and he named it after his son Eogan. 18 To Eogan was born Irad (Not to be confused with Iraq or Iran), and Irad was the father of manslayer, and manslayer was the father of Maw, and Maw was the father of Leodan Flamelock. However, Maw never knew his father. For many years he languished, at the same time wondering who exactly was the mother of all these forumites, until at last the Lord Armagan told him to guess who it was. Maw replied, “Anyone but manslayer!”
19 Leodan married two women, one named Amman d’Stazia and the other Pharoah Llandy. 20 Amman gave birth to jlgx50; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 21 His brother's name was Jaghatai; he was the father of all who watch anime and slaver ravenously. 22 Llandy also had a son, Temujin-Calandale, who forged all kinds of tools out of whatever he could find on the streets, and rode horses for fun. Temujin-Calandale's brother was Nahkuri, who became known to many as frozen hillbilly Eurotrash. It was a friendly name at first, but over the years was twisted into an insult, making Nahkuri resent the others and post man-whore-a-like pictures for them. At last, he was asked “RU gay lolol!!!1one!11! ??” by a newblet, to who he replied “You talkin' to me?” and proceeded to beat seven bells out of the poor defenceless noob.
23 Nahkuri said to his bitches,
"Oi! You two! Wenches, listen to me;
women pimped of Nahkuri, hear my words.
I have killed a man for pissing me off,
a young man for injuring me. He came at me with a drawing pin and I was forced to defend myself, unfortunately resulting in his death by various unpleasant implements.” Armagan came down to ascertain the cause of these unpleasantnesses, and was told by a repentant Nahkuri, “My Lord, I have Juno-ed. I assraped him with a tyre iron.”
24 If Calandale is avenged seven times,
then Nahkuri seventy-seven times."
25 George lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seff, saying, "God has granted me another child in place of okiN, since Calandale killed him." 26 Seff also had a son, and he named him Enough.
At that time men began to call on the name of the Lord, saying “When will the next update be out, O Armagan? It’s been two chapters of Genesis!”

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Genesis 6

Leprous_Leprechaun — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 05:13:40 CDT

Genesis 6

The Flood

1 When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, 2 the sons of Armagan saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. 3 Then the Lord said, "My Spirit will not contend with man forever, for he is mortal; his days will be a hundred and twenty years.” At this point, most of the population, being roughly 600, fell down and died. Armagan said at this point, “Bugger. Didn’t think that one through properly.”
4 The Necrophilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of Armagan went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. Men such as Marnid, the fastest merchant in the west. He became a man of great renown amongst the other peoples through managing to peddle the Necrotelecomnicon to a great King by telling him that he could communicate with Armagan through it, cleverly neglecting to mention the forums set up for that very purpose. So great were his powers of persuasion that he even managed to wheedle a padded cloth out of a total stranger.
5 The Lord saw how nicely the game’s progress was going, and that every indication was for good sales upon release. 6 The Lord was happy that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with joy. 7 So the Lord said, "I will take a nice long well-deserved bath and relax for a while." 8 But Yoshiboy had a feeling something was going to go wrong.
9 This is the account of Yoshiboy.
Yoshiboy was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with Armagan through the game files. 10 Yoshiboy had three sons: Wham, Bam and Thankyoumam.
11 Now the earth was out of Armagan's sight and was full of violence. River pirates jumped innocent peasants, only to find that the peasants had rescued some Vaegir Knights from some hapless forest bandits, and promptly got an absolutely Biblical thrashing. “I’m gonnna break yer legs” just didn’t quite cover the magnitude of the beating they took.12 Armagan saw how corrupt the earth had become, for peasants were winning battles against tough opponents, against the laws of nature. 13 So Armagan said to Yoshiboy, "I am going to take a long bath and clear my head, to clearer see what decision I should make. It shall be large, deep and full of bubbles, and in an ornate and incredibly huge bathtub. It shall be the best of all possible baths."
And it was so. The Lord took a bath, and it was the best of all possible baths. Indeed, of such magnificence was this bath that he fell asleep in its waters with the tap still running. Swiftly it overflowed, and began dripping, then dribbling, then cascading its soapy waters down upon Calradia. For forty minutes and forty seconds it continued, until Armagan awoke and cried “Oh shit oh shit oh shit!” and turned the taps off.
But it was too late. Calradia had been submerged beneath a foamy, lavender-scented sea. However, all was not lost. Yoshiboy, anticipating this from the exhaustion in Armagan’s eyes, had discovered the secret of travelling across the water. Pirates!, he called his discovery, and a vast flotilla of ships did he command, dragging the modding community firmly by the throat aboard the vessels.

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